Step properly.......or hit the road

Guy likes babe - The dating game

One of the peculiarities of the dating scene that has really intrigued me, time and again, is when boy meets girl – and is tongue tied or worse still, can’t release some “to die for” lyrics that will blow the babes head off and take her to space (no, even in her sub-consciousness, she doesn’t want to go there yet – no one to savour the moment with afterwards) and make her go weak at the knees.

So what is it about the dating scene that has been dubbed the litmus test particularly for any man who stands any chance of winning the affection of a babe? Of course, it helps to know whether the guy achieved this under the influence of alcohol or not – coz some guys need this for confidence. Either way, the words that stray from his lips will strictly determine his prowess at chatting up a babe - as long as his alcohol breath doesn't suffocate her.

The Move

Well, it starts by stepping up to the babe in question and “toast” her until she drools helplessly from the mouth; her head spinning like a pendulum; she forgets her name momentarily; her heart beat races faster than a speeding bullet; she’s in cloud nine – then she’s in heaven and wants to stay there, then she forgets she’s hungry; then suddenly she goes weak at the knees, she starts to shake, then butterflies flutter uncontrollably in her stomach; her head becomes light; her pupils become dull as her eyes looks as if she’s about to pass out.

And she’s even “crazier” if the guy happens to throw in some foreign seductive words like “Ragazza. Bella. Siete così bei. Quando esamino i vostri occhi e la sega la scintilla, ho saputo che un brivido funzionerebbe giù il mio corpo intero. Ed il vostro sorriso, così reale, interessa ogni battimento sano del mio cuore”. (Italian)

(Translation: Girl. You are so beautiful. When I look into your eyes, and saw the spark, I knew a shiver would run down my whole body. And your smile, so real, affects every sound beat of my heart).

Oh, sugar. At this stage, the babe would have thrown all caution to the wind and just want to grab the guy and “devour” him. Now that is what I call falling head over heels in love. But by then, either by lust of love, the babe would have fallen for the guy. Perhaps, this is every babe’s fantasy of an ideal way to fall in love once they’ve found their prince charming.

Disclaimer:

Ha! oma shame o. Guys, don’t take my word for it. I would love to have said that this formula works all the time, if at all. But it doesn’t. Even a self acclaimed playboy will not always get a particular babe he fancied. The thing is this guys: If a babe doesn’t show any inclination of “falling” for your lyrics, it may not be you. It could be bad timing on your part; the babe may have just come out of a stormy relationship; she now prefers women; she’s a tease and just loves to flirt or she’s washing her hair or doing her nails.

Or quite simply, it could be you. Yes now. Why not, if not. It could be your bad breath that would succeed in letting the poor babe have a throbbing sore throat. It could be your negative vibes. Do you see her as someone dateable in the long term or you see her as a “Chinese takeaway”? Trust me, babes have radars and can read this a mile off. Perhaps, it could be your dress sense or lack of it. Are you dressed for the part? Have you got a pot belly and wearing a tucked in shirt? Or are you wearing jeans with white socks, brown shoes and blue textured native attire?

How does your hair stand out? Like Don King's? Nicely cut without any drawing of map of Africa etched on your head? Or you have a Bob that is a throwback to the seventies? No biggie. But, how often is it washed? How about B.O? Do the flies get excited when they see you and follow you about?

In particular, what lines do you come up with when you step to a pretty babe? Could it be that your lyrics are indigestibly boring? Is it the conventional orthodox lame remark of “Oh baby, you da bomb. Is your dad a terrorist?” Or a disconcertingly stale statement such as this one: “I hope you have a library card, coz I’m checking you out?”. Or some Christian chat up lines “The Lord said I should come and speak to you”, or “Sister, the Lord said I should pray for you. How about holding a night vigil at my place?”

Case study one: The Story of how a guy stepped to a babe….

Let me recall the story of one guy who tried every trick in the book to get this girl to go out with him to no avail. Yet the guy did not give up. You know how girls are; they want to make you wait. As long as they are turning you down with a smile, and stopping to chat with you (even if they as walking off), you are still in with a chance.

Eventually the babe acceded to his request and they agreed on their first date, which happened to be at the babe’s house. Unfortunately for the guy, her elder bros/sis were at home and to make matters worse he had suddenly developed a running stomach (he made the mistake of eating some food with hot pepper) on the back of this okada motorcycle that was bumping up and down the road leading to the babe’s house..

As soon as the guy approached the girl’s house, there was this slight traffic congestion. Since the guy couldn't hold it much longer, he decided to get off and make a run for it to this girl’s house. He got there, and without exchanging too many pleasantries with the girl asked where their restroom was. The girl was taken aback by his agitated state and pointed him to the direction of the restroom. He got there, opened the door and the poor guy let loose with thunderous sounds of "parap..pah..pah..paa..pah…pooooh! .....gbooooh..... puh....poooh!!!" (Mixed with the symmetrical sounds of farting – the scud missile one) and groaning coming from the toilet.

As soon as he finished, he breathed a huge sigh of relief. But he hadn’t anticipated what would happen next. He knew he was not having a good day when he discovered that there was no tissue paper to clean up after “downloading” so many “megabytes” of junk.

Anyway, he improvised and used a discarded cloth to do the business. The worse part was, even before the guy opened the door to the toilet, the smell emanating from inside the restroom was starting to envelope the whole house. As soon as the guy opened the door to peep and see if it was okay to come out, he heard the elder brother of the girl saying, ".....se eni ti o fe ni yen, to fi orun igbe ba gbo ile je" (Is that whom you are going out with? His excrement is polluting the entire house)

To cut the long story short, the guy was so embarrassed that he still had to walk the "hall of shame" past the living room where all eyes were. He never went out with the girl after that.


Case Study two: The girl’s turn to step to a guy….

This guy had been “shadowing” this babe for ages in his neighborhood. The babe knew the guy fancied her, but after waiting for him to make the move to no avail, she decided to take the bull by the horn and approach him. Apparently all her friends were all hooked up with a guy and she was the only one left out. The babe wore one of those "horn rimmed " pair of glasses that was too big for her face. It made her look rather studious and only succeeded in driving all the guys away since they didn't want a babe that will be discussing Chemistry with them. But for some reason, this guy found her attractive. Thank goodness! She it appeared as if she wasn’t going to be left on the top shelf for long gathering dust.

On this fateful day, the babe walked up to the guy and said “Hi, I’ve always been seeing you around”. Now, this opening line should have broken the ice. Instead of the guy to take the cue and start off the conversation and make his intentions known or at least find out her name (not that he didn't know her name. He even had a “dossier” compiled about her), the only thing that came out of his throat was a very dry toad like - croak response of “really?”

And guess what he did next? He walked simply away. Later he questioned why in heavens name he acted in that manner. Of course, the girl took him for a snob and stopped talking or even looking at him again. Ten years later, they bumped into each other and laughed about the episode.

Case study three: My own first experience

There was this girl I fancied in our neighbour hood as well. She was dark skinned, slim and walked as if her feet never touched the ground. My friends knew I fancied her and they had been nagging me for weeks to talk to her. I said no, I would write her a love letter instead.

So one evening, as I was hanging out with two of my friends (one of blessed memory), this babe walked past us. She knew that at least one of us fancied her, but she didn’t know who. My heart danced for joy. One of my friend’s said I should “corner” her before she went into her house. I said no - "my eyes are pushing me" (shy).

Guess what these guys did next? They threatened to speak to her and inform her that I fancied her if I didn't go into her house now and "toast" her - which was the slang then. Peer pressure or what? As soon as I heard this, something just said go inside her house and speak to her. What’s the worst that could happen? Unknown to my pals, my heart was thumping loud, partly due to excitement and party due to nervousness.

As I went into the babes house, through the back, I fervently hoped her parents wouldn’t find me lurking behind the house. What would be my excuse? Without any prepared statement, I was certain I would be stuttering to string any meaningful sentence together. It was a big yard and as I searched hoping to find her little brother to call her out, I also prayed he wouldn’t go inside the house and say in a loud voice “Aunty, a man is asking to see you outside”.

Anyway, in that tentative moment, as I was uncertain what to do if I didn’t find her little brother, I saw her. I wanted to turn back, but the babe had already seen me. My legs turned to jelly. I couldn't move and I couldn't speak for what seemed to be an eternity. My heart beat began to thump as if it was about to burst. I was shivering as if I had a cold. But she just looked at me and smiled, hoping for me to say something.

Instead of meeting her gaze, I briefly stared coyly at my feet. What was I aiming to find? Please ask me o. I even coughed to clear my throat, but really I was buying time. If only, a voice from inside her house could just call her to say her attention was needed, I would have been glad.

My mouth was open defenselessly, but no words came out. As I mustered the courage to utter some words, my lips began to quiver. Finally I said in Yoruba.........(I don’t know why) "Er...em.......ha, …ermm…Bola, mo fe fe e, so gba abi o gba" (Bola, I want to go out with you. Do you agree with my request or not?”).

As soon as I said this, I heaved a huge sigh of relief. It was as if something had been lifted off my chest.The girl looked at me and attempted a laugh but quickly suppressed it. She then said she'll think about it and let me know. Gracias! You should have seen the way I vanished from her sight hoping I had accomplished my mission, even if it was half way done.

When I returned outside to meet my friends, I didn't know I would be subjected to the "Spanish inquisition". They had been waiting impatiently for my return in a bid to hear the “411”. When they saw me smiling, they were surprised since I didn't spend up to five minutes in the babe's house. My "toasting" must have been either straight to the point, or I didn't speak to her at all.

When I told them, thinking I had done myself proud, my friend’s burst into laughter. It was the kind of laugh that left me completely embarrassed. It immediately wiped the smile off my face. I was teased relentlessly. The news spread to other friends and they too didn’t cut me any slack. That stigma of “So gba abi o gba” stayed with me for while and I wasn't even able to chat up the girl again until she left the neighbourhood.

The tip

Let it be borne in mind that there is no blueprint formula for stepping to a babe. It isn’t rocket science. Not surprisingly though, it is an art that needs to be perfected well. After all, as the saying goes, if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same result.

Guys, don’t feel intimidated when you see a pretty babe, step up to her. Cut out the shyness. After all, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Even if she wears an angry look on her face, it might just be her demeanor. Or she might simply be fronting. Look out for the tell tale signs.

And choose your moment well. I reckon a babe could tell if they liked a guy (not necessary date him in the end) in seconds by his charm, his poise, approach and his ability to strike up a conversation with her and sustain it. But don’t over do it guys.

Babes love a smooth talker. But when you control the entire conversation, especially when it revolves around you, it smacks of self-centeredness. And babes find this a turn off. Again, look for the signs. If she’s looking at her watch repeatedly, yawning, looking disinterested or makes an excuse to go “powder her nose”, give up. No PR guru can resuscitate your yarns for you at that moment. Sometimes it is not what you say (it could well be on a different occasion), but how you say it that will do the trick.

Aside from being a smooth talker, babes also love a guy who oozes confidence and an aura of manliness. Be yourself though. Don’t claim you have a May Bach coupe when you drive a Honda Civic. Don’t claim you work for Goldman Sachs as an Investment banker when you work at Pizza Hut. You can imagine if your photo I.D dropped to the floor at the moment. Don’t claim you are a born again Christian when you only attend church on New Year’s Eve. And don’t claim you live in St John’s wood when you live in Peckham.

Seriously, it’s time for a social re-engineering of how to step up to babes the right way. Remember you are a salesman. You have a product to sell – YOU. Are you dateable? What qualities do you bring to the table? What is your pitch? Finally, the deal only gets done once you obtain that elusive phone number from the babe.

Although, I hasten to add, that whilst men have retained that natural instinct to make the first move on women, there is nothing stopping women to step up to a man she fancied as well. If an opportunity presents itself, grab it. If it is lost, there is no sub story of “ngbati ngabti” (Making excuses). No “sme sme”(time wasting). It can’t be regained again.

On the whole, women still have that unfettered discretionary power to reject the advances of any man, regardless……..Cue to this scenario. After all the hard work, the guy who succeeds in obtaining a babe’s phone number walks off with a smile on his face. He congratulates himself on a job well done. After all that fronting and playing hard to get, he finally got her. Who did she think she was, trying to be vain, talking posh and shaking everything mama gave her.

STOP PRESS: The phone number she gave him is fake.