Reliving my yankee experience (written in 2001)

This piece was written after my second visit to the states. Althought the first visit was memorable, the second one was crazier, more fun and comepletely blew me. My second visit was was rather brief, but there was a lot to reminisce about. One thing that has really fascinated me about yanky was the unbridled "hype" surrounding its entity. Undoubtedly, it is an entity. And as most people who have visited yanky would attest to, the hype" is real.

Even since America gained independence from Britain in 1776, the country has been appropriately dubbed the land of the free; God's own country; where dreams come true, etc Each time I had the profound pleasure of visiting yanky, it's as if I was completely "hijacked" into the future. Everything seemed surreal, lavish and spontaneous. In fact the unpredictability of the place knows no bounds. Just imagine, I saw someone driving his car with one leg out of the car window. Car-azy or what? I heard another story of a guy always mowing his lawn at 3am; people shouting and talking whilst watching a movie at the cinema; street parties being held in the summer; and I saw men who plait their hair (I guess another fashion craze - "Asakasa" (improper conduct) and who wear their pants way below their navel, etc

Observably, people in yanky can be so "LOUD". Often times, they adopt an uncompromising attitude that enables them to say exactly what's on their minds, devoid of embarrassment, shyness or intimidation. I've heard stories that anyone being stared at for too long in buses or trains, will inevitably incur the wrath of that person, who will spit out their venom along the lines of "Whatcha y'all looking at?" If that person has the audacity to answer back in a negative manner, the person being stared at simply says, "Yeah! Yeah! Wha'rever" - whilst shaking their heads sideways, hissing nonchalantly and gesticulating in a dismissive way.

Americans, it seems almost conclusively, have a penchant for suing other people big time. For instance, when people cross the road and there is a car coming, their casual and pedestrian leisurely walk really irks me. Ha! I've been told they do it on purpose sha, because if they get hit, na lawsuit wahala be that resulting in a big payout. It reminds me of Naija where people do exactly the same thing. The only difference is that they are careful to do this only when a posh car, like a Benz is coming - hence the popular saying, "gbami ki ndi olowo (hit me and I'll become rich).

And there is the car chase in yanky as well. If the cops chase you for a minor traffic offence and you enter another county they have no jurisdiction over, they simply turn back. Mmmm......try that one in jand. If you like, commit the offence in London and do speed racer go "kutuwenji", the British police will be on your heels. Well, I guess after all these years, I am immersed myself with the conservative lifestyle of the British.

Nothing, and absolutely nothing, prepared me for the shock, the excitement and the uncertainty surrounding the lifestyle in yanky. I thought I had seen it all after being subjected to an endless dose of Springer shows, but more was to come. Londoners on the forum, have you noticed how everything happens first in America. The films, music, the talk shows, the sitcoms, fashion and slang's, all seem to take second place here in England. Even Nigeria beats England to it. It goes without saying that America seems to dictate the pace of events globally.

And oh....how I love the time difference of six hours (normal GMT) in most states in America, and nine in California. So for instance, if the cock crows "Kukurukuuuu!!!" to signal the dawn of a new day in England, you guys in yanky are still in bed. Damn. Life is unfair sha.

Anyway, as soon as we touched down at JFK airport after flying Virgin Atlantic from London Heathrow ( I tell you, folks, I'll always fly VIRGIN anyday. There was so much legroom, it was unreal. And here was me thinking it was going to be very tight), we were greeted with a distinct, but various blend of the American accent, albeit, it was unmistakably that of New Yorkers. It actually deserves a little citation here. The city that never sleeps......it was so good it had to be named twice.

How could I possibly feign ignorance of the beautiful American cities/states whose names not only sound exotic, but natty as well. I mean names like Alabama, Chicago, Atlanta, Ohio, Michigan, Las Vegas, LA, DC, Jersey, Philly, Cinci"natty", Oklahoma, Missouri, Colorado, Tennessee, Oregun, etc. Admittedly, if anyone visits America and stays in only one state, it's as if they didn't go to America. There's something so attractive about others states that just make you want to venture there. Even other countries have that attractiveness about them. Let me pick Italy.

For exkandle, you have Milan, Sicily, Rome, Tuscany, Naples, Brescia and Florence. Contrast that to our dear old England and you'll find London serves as the only appealing name on most people's lips.

I hardly find any Naija showing enough enthusiasm about visiting Leeds, Newcastle, Southampton, or say, Coventry. It just doesn't have the same ring as the ones in the states. If there's one thing I fell in love with, it's the American accent, especially that of Californians. Oh...., the drawl can send me into a self-induced trance anyday. It is much unlike the British accent that seems as if one is talking with a hot yam stuffed in one's mouth. Speaking about accents, I cannot fathom why some Naijas (in America) unashamedly try to speak like Americans.

True, for any foreigner wishing an American (the "shons of the shoil") to fully understand their grasp of certain pronunciations, they need to inject a semblance of voice and pitch intonation similar to the way Americans pronounce theirs. If they get away with it successfully, fine. It's the one's that don't who, invariably, invite a little disguised chuckle from me. Why on earth must you pronounce quarter as quara; fifty as fiti; computer as compura, party as pari, etc, especially someone with a thick Ijesha, Ibadan, Akwa Ibom or Igbo accent?

One Naija guy who was trying effortlessly to impress me with his academic background blurted out by saying he was studying Inranational Makering. Wouldn't it have been nice to find an old fashioned naija proudly proclaiming he/she was studying "Melesin" (medicine)? This same old-fashioned naija would almost certainly have pronounced Bill Clinton's State exactly the way it was spelt, instead of Ar..kin....saw.

Perhaps, this same group of Naijas, new to the initial intricacies of the Internet, would phone up his pal one day and say "Una bros, Kedu. Oginni!, I bin email you yesterday, but na ya answering machine pick am up? Eniwe, how body?"

Okay, that aside. What is inherently wrong in breaking away from the conventional norm of doing things? Admittedly, some people who do will be ridiculed. So what! Speaking about norms, aren't the yanks so good at creating theirs. Oh.....they believe they know it all. Yet some of them unwittingly bask in their ignorance by showing utter disdain for other cultures, when in reality, they haven't even stepped out of the states before.

One white guy I met in Long Island, mildly amused I was from England, asked me how often we hold elections to elect the Queen of England. Everything is so different about the States, "Innit" (forgive me for employing the use of an English cockney phrase that simply means; "Isn't"). They write their dates backwards (yeepa!). Funny though, there is nothing progressively backward about America.

Having said this, how ironic for their president to have a last name called Bush - this coming from a civilised country. Going back to the "differences", Petrol is called Gas; Dustbin is called Garbage; "Baluwe" and "Shalanga" (Toilet and Bath) is called Restroom; Cheque is spelt as Check; Programme is spelt Program; Semi is pronounced as Sema-i. The letter "Z" replaces the letter "S" in organisation; similarly the letter "U" is omitted from Colour; Pampers is called Diapers, Trouser is called Pants, etc; If it were possible, the yanks would completely change the grammatical syntax of the English language as well.

To be continued.