The Janded babe vesus the Naija Guy debate

I have always been fascinated about the interesting debate relating to how “janded babes” don’t understand Naija guys and vice versa. This debate has since continued unabated. Invariably, Naija men seem to bear much of the flak. “Janded Babes” complain that Naija men are only interested in one thing. Er….em, lemme see now. I am busy cudgelling my brain to determine what that could be. Yeeessss, I’ve got it. Yippee!!! My bad! How could I not have known?

When a man meets a woman, he’s only interested in one thing: knowing her name. Why? It’s probably because when he was growing up his mum admonished him for talking to strangers. So in a bid to sound overly courteous when he meets a woman, he has to display some well taught manners (Of course mummy taught him – who best to learn from?) and ask her name.

Corollary to this issue is the fact that some men don’t know how to step up to “janded babes”. Guys, to be serious some of us are found wanting in this regard. I mean, how can a guy step up to a girl at a party (noticed that the girl was sitting next to an unoccupied chair) and utter these embarrassing words: “Scuz me, is anyone siddon for here?” or “It appears as if I have acquainted with your face before”, ….. or, “Oh baby! I am infatuated to become your lover”, or this immeasurably witty chat up line… “Hello baby, see your rosy cheeks looking very infectious. I am sure you are beauty since Mama born”

And oh yes! According to “janded babes”, men don’t know how to treat them. We take them for granted. We ignore them. We don’t get in touch with their feelings. Simply put: men don’t understand “janded babes”. One wonders how Baba Ekaete in days of yore managed to “toast” his wife without flowers, without taking her out and without stroking her lovely plaited hair whilst she was lying on his lap. Even if she did put her head on his lap, presumably after one minute, he would be “ready for action”. And instead of Mama Ekaete to play ball, she would probably say “Wero (wait o) I ron do. I wan make you hold me, das all. Ekaete go soon return from yonsion o”.

Could this probably explain one of the reasons why there is a serious dearth in women trying to forge a relationship with men (or why some women purportedly “swing the other way”)? Little wonder then that some women who are Single and Readily Available (SRA); Single and Still Searching (SSS); Single and Desperately Searching (SDS); Single Mother and Searching in the Voice and Loot newspapers (SMS); Still Single and Approaching Menopause (SSAM) are watching furtively at their biological clock with baited anticipation that Mr Right (if there’s anything as such), Mr Six Pack, Mr Appealing, Mr Manageable or Mr Slow Coach will eventually come their way.

Evidently, the two sexes speak in different languages and get mixed signals when understanding and communicating with each other. Let me reprise some few lines which I am sure has made the rounds on the web in the past. If a man makes a decision without consulting his wife/girlfriend, he is a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting him, she’s a liberated woman. If he asks her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks him, it’s a favour. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of him, it’s equal opportunity. And so, this chasm of not relating properly has appeared progressively hard to bridge.

However, in order to diffuse the looming confrontation whenever such problem rears its ugly head, it seems conveniently easy to forget that both genders are created distinctly. We think differently and we sometimes appraise issues from different viewpoints.

FACT: Women can be emotional and sensitive beings. They moan (not that type, duh!). They sulk for ages at the slightest bit of frustration and inaction. The latter is more evident if they want something from a man. When it is apparent they won’t get it, they then resort to manipulation or emotional blackmail to obtain or fulfil that need or want.

And their dramatisation of events deserves an Oscar. How a woman can cry for breaking a nail is still beyond me. Another one is when their mascara is running at 30 miles an hour at a party and they make an excuse to go powder their “nose”. Mmm…the connection? Also why do women need a support group to go to the restroom? I can’t imagine a guy saying this to his male counterparts at a party (Assuming all of them are heterosexual males): “Hey guys, I’m about to take a leak. Any one wanna join me?” I am certain even if one of the men had diarrhoea and he felt a gastrointestinal distress inside his bowels, he’d stay put, even if he has to suppress any uncalled for “gas emissions” that would inevitably “open the floodgates”.

I’ll not even begin to understand how it feels like to be a woman. I guess it’s not easy - much as it is not easy to be a MAN as well. But let’s face it, the tide has changed noticeably for women and deservedly so. Gone are the days when women had to fight hard for their erstwhile sovereignty. Women are now independent. Good for them. They own their own house, cars, hold down a great job, wear designer clothes and own more than 70 pairs of shoes, some of which they’d probably NEVER EVER wear; juggle work and family and still be a mother and housewife- if there’s still some energy left.

Today the giant strides they have made is a testament to the hardwork, struggles, days of abject neglect, poverty, inequality, abuse – some of them faced then and regrettably today, in the patriarchal world we live in. Observably, I wonder why such prominence is not accorded to some men whose wives/girlfriends abuse them physically and emotionally.

But hey, men are not to be left out of the equation as well. “Janded babes” need to understand that Naija men too have issues that we deal with. We are by no means perfect. We are sometimes vulnerable. We have our faults, and it takes a real man to own up to them unashamedly and to go further as to apologise when he’s wrong. We have needs too. We need hugs. We want our fingers and toe nails clipped. We want our backs massaged; we want women to block our ear lobes with sweet nothings. We want you to say you love us, not always expecting us to say it to you.

Some of us are still Mummy’s boy at heart but still display some machismo when required. Maybe that’s the reason why some men are like government bonds, because they take so long to mature.

Fact: Some men find it difficult to show their emotions. They don’t know how to communicate romantically without lifting some lyrics off Barry White, Mario, or Usher, if at all. And the bottom line is this: men simply don’t know what women want. I suspect, too, that on occasions, “janded babes” are at a loss as to exactly what they want from a man – this is in stark contrast to what they want in a man.

Conversely we need to embrace the concept that relational problems emanate from a source. If the head is rotten, the body decays so goes the old saying. So let’s start from the foundation. A man has to be a leader and exhibit the qualities of someone who is revered – not just adorn the ceremonial title of a “leader”. A man has to have an executable vision for himself as well as his family. He has to know where he is going and how to get there.

Perhaps all the afore-mentioned epitomises some of the angst “janded babes” feel towards Naija men. They don’t want a man who is going to be an excess luggage – a liability, or a vagabond, coach potato, lazy drinking, wife beating, secretive, olodu “419” of a guy. They want a man who should lead rather than being led. It has to be said though that where women are missing the point is trying to play the role of a man in a relationship. This is not possible, and no real man will stand for that, unless he has “Mugun” written on his forehead or is the “hold my cloth for me” type.

It won’t be far fetched to say that some of them have some of the traits of a man. They are dominant, pushy, bossy – add any apt adjective of the male persona to describe them, and you won’t go amiss. This type of woman will not take any rubbish from any man. If there is one big issue men cannot relate with women, it is about lack of RESPECT towards their men.

Submissiveness, if one has to be brutally frank, is one major area that some women still struggle with. But women should realise that submissiveness to your man should not reach the point where you can’t walk, talk or go out of the house. This bears all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.

However, it has to be recognised that biblically, men have been spiritually ordained to be the head of the house and women to be our helpmates. In the main, if men can’t be allowed to be the “King of their domain”, there will be cracks in the relationship. To obtain that respect though, a man does not have to beat his chest to proclaim he is the man of the house for people to know. That respect has to be earned. And one of the salient aspects of a good leader is one who leads with purpose. To this end, a follower will only respect a leader if they believe in his vision. So, it takes two to salsa.

Further still, for men to relate with women, don’t try and understand them. This is because you won’t no matter how hard you try. This equally applies to women. For starters, women have a thousand and one mood swings, men have one. The best both genders can do is to bring out the best each other rather than dwell on the negatives or by trying to change your partner.

Instead of showing apathy, intolerance, stubbornness and an unwillingness to relate with them, we should treat them as “children” (not meant in a derogatory way) and show some patience. It is admittedly difficult, giving the hostile and confrontational outburst that will inevitably happen. But it isn’t, in my opinion, improbable.

Yes, they will change their minds a hundred times. Yes, they will get angry if we forget (men have always been accused of being forgetful) important events. Yes, they will get angrier when they talk and we ignore them. Yes, they will continue to nag incessantly about men pressing the toothpaste in the middle and forgetting (see - that word recurs again) to put the toilet seat down. Yes, they will annoy us by continuously interrupting us when we watch sports on the box.

Yes, they will sometimes “fake” it or complain about having a headache (but whose fault is that really? Go figure). Yes, they’d probably insult our manhood by chuckling if we hit the “homerun” in one minute. Yes, they will always drive us up the wall by waking us up in the middle of the night and uttering these five dreaded words; “Honey, we need to
talk”. But in the main, love them are loathe them, women are still to be treasured.

Women too need to stop fronting. There is no Denzel Washington look alike lurking around. If you are fortunate enough and he comes calling, he may not be rich or may not treat you right. Love is not enough. You must be willing to compromise your principles, without changing your personality.

In passing, both genders need to realise that there is no perfect relationship. Realistically the only perfect couple is one in what the wife is blind (she won’t be able to see her husband’s faults and nag incessantly about it); and the husband is deaf (he won’t be able to listen to her nagging).

For those of you still looking for a partner, keeping searching and keep waiting for the right man, babe. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. Just make sure it’s not a train coming at you.