Just asking a simple innocent question..........

I'm sure you must have said it too, or even come across some one who has asked you a silly question (or made a stament) before or a retort that was equally silly.

Here goes.........

Man comes back home after work to meet wifey at home. He opens the door, wifey sees hubby stepping into the living room....

Wifey: Honey, you're home.
Hubby: No, I'm still parking my car outside.

Two friends: Fred: Can we arrange to meet tomorrow?
Richard: You mean next day?

And this is one of my favourite. Why is it that when a person wakes up from sleeping, someone still asks Are you awake? (mmmm.....I guess he could be sleep walking whislt making coffee in the kitchen) Or you nudge someone sleeping on the sofa (who was snoring loudly) and you say to them.....

"Bro, can you go and sleep in the room?"
"I wasn't sleeping"

I recall an incident a friend told me when he went to the states. He was speaking to this guy and the following conversation ensues.......
"Where you from?"
"I'm from England"
"Really?" (duh! remove your ear wax, he didn't say Pakistan)
"hmmm"
"Do you know Dave?"

Check this one out...... White guy to black african guy.

White guy: I'm sorry to have to ask this, but I heard you guys live in tall trees, is that true?" Black guy: yes, its true.
White guy: Oh my gosh....I thought you might be offended. But....forgive me for asking, but how do you guys get up there?
Black guy: oh...it's no problem. We simple take the lifts.

The silliest is when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, donut? Or When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No to$ser, I paid £8 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

Here is another one....

Guy: When are you expecting?
Woman: Am not. I'm fat.

PC to naija guy (stopped for traffic offence)

PC: Can you identify yourself, please?

Naija: Who? You mean me? (A naija person is not truly naija unless he reponds to a question with a question)
PC: Yes sir
(Naija man takes PC to side mirror of car and says to PC): "That's me"

Techical analyst: I understand your PC is not working
User: If it was working I wouldn't have to call you.

Technical analyst: Ok. Has your PC got any power.
User: No. It's not switched on at the mains.

Here is another one.....

"I've got three birds, a monkey and er....a hamster"
"Gosh....what a collection. Do they all make noise?"

Guy to (identical -note the emphasis) twin sisters. "Are you twins?"

Ohhhh......I love these kind of people. They sometimes make your day rock.

The Janded babe vesus the Naija Guy debate

I have always been fascinated about the interesting debate relating to how “janded babes” don’t understand Naija guys and vice versa. This debate has since continued unabated. Invariably, Naija men seem to bear much of the flak. “Janded Babes” complain that Naija men are only interested in one thing. Er….em, lemme see now. I am busy cudgelling my brain to determine what that could be. Yeeessss, I’ve got it. Yippee!!! My bad! How could I not have known?

When a man meets a woman, he’s only interested in one thing: knowing her name. Why? It’s probably because when he was growing up his mum admonished him for talking to strangers. So in a bid to sound overly courteous when he meets a woman, he has to display some well taught manners (Of course mummy taught him – who best to learn from?) and ask her name.

Corollary to this issue is the fact that some men don’t know how to step up to “janded babes”. Guys, to be serious some of us are found wanting in this regard. I mean, how can a guy step up to a girl at a party (noticed that the girl was sitting next to an unoccupied chair) and utter these embarrassing words: “Scuz me, is anyone siddon for here?” or “It appears as if I have acquainted with your face before”, ….. or, “Oh baby! I am infatuated to become your lover”, or this immeasurably witty chat up line… “Hello baby, see your rosy cheeks looking very infectious. I am sure you are beauty since Mama born”

And oh yes! According to “janded babes”, men don’t know how to treat them. We take them for granted. We ignore them. We don’t get in touch with their feelings. Simply put: men don’t understand “janded babes”. One wonders how Baba Ekaete in days of yore managed to “toast” his wife without flowers, without taking her out and without stroking her lovely plaited hair whilst she was lying on his lap. Even if she did put her head on his lap, presumably after one minute, he would be “ready for action”. And instead of Mama Ekaete to play ball, she would probably say “Wero (wait o) I ron do. I wan make you hold me, das all. Ekaete go soon return from yonsion o”.

Could this probably explain one of the reasons why there is a serious dearth in women trying to forge a relationship with men (or why some women purportedly “swing the other way”)? Little wonder then that some women who are Single and Readily Available (SRA); Single and Still Searching (SSS); Single and Desperately Searching (SDS); Single Mother and Searching in the Voice and Loot newspapers (SMS); Still Single and Approaching Menopause (SSAM) are watching furtively at their biological clock with baited anticipation that Mr Right (if there’s anything as such), Mr Six Pack, Mr Appealing, Mr Manageable or Mr Slow Coach will eventually come their way.

Evidently, the two sexes speak in different languages and get mixed signals when understanding and communicating with each other. Let me reprise some few lines which I am sure has made the rounds on the web in the past. If a man makes a decision without consulting his wife/girlfriend, he is a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting him, she’s a liberated woman. If he asks her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks him, it’s a favour. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of him, it’s equal opportunity. And so, this chasm of not relating properly has appeared progressively hard to bridge.

However, in order to diffuse the looming confrontation whenever such problem rears its ugly head, it seems conveniently easy to forget that both genders are created distinctly. We think differently and we sometimes appraise issues from different viewpoints.

FACT: Women can be emotional and sensitive beings. They moan (not that type, duh!). They sulk for ages at the slightest bit of frustration and inaction. The latter is more evident if they want something from a man. When it is apparent they won’t get it, they then resort to manipulation or emotional blackmail to obtain or fulfil that need or want.

And their dramatisation of events deserves an Oscar. How a woman can cry for breaking a nail is still beyond me. Another one is when their mascara is running at 30 miles an hour at a party and they make an excuse to go powder their “nose”. Mmm…the connection? Also why do women need a support group to go to the restroom? I can’t imagine a guy saying this to his male counterparts at a party (Assuming all of them are heterosexual males): “Hey guys, I’m about to take a leak. Any one wanna join me?” I am certain even if one of the men had diarrhoea and he felt a gastrointestinal distress inside his bowels, he’d stay put, even if he has to suppress any uncalled for “gas emissions” that would inevitably “open the floodgates”.

I’ll not even begin to understand how it feels like to be a woman. I guess it’s not easy - much as it is not easy to be a MAN as well. But let’s face it, the tide has changed noticeably for women and deservedly so. Gone are the days when women had to fight hard for their erstwhile sovereignty. Women are now independent. Good for them. They own their own house, cars, hold down a great job, wear designer clothes and own more than 70 pairs of shoes, some of which they’d probably NEVER EVER wear; juggle work and family and still be a mother and housewife- if there’s still some energy left.

Today the giant strides they have made is a testament to the hardwork, struggles, days of abject neglect, poverty, inequality, abuse – some of them faced then and regrettably today, in the patriarchal world we live in. Observably, I wonder why such prominence is not accorded to some men whose wives/girlfriends abuse them physically and emotionally.

But hey, men are not to be left out of the equation as well. “Janded babes” need to understand that Naija men too have issues that we deal with. We are by no means perfect. We are sometimes vulnerable. We have our faults, and it takes a real man to own up to them unashamedly and to go further as to apologise when he’s wrong. We have needs too. We need hugs. We want our fingers and toe nails clipped. We want our backs massaged; we want women to block our ear lobes with sweet nothings. We want you to say you love us, not always expecting us to say it to you.

Some of us are still Mummy’s boy at heart but still display some machismo when required. Maybe that’s the reason why some men are like government bonds, because they take so long to mature.

Fact: Some men find it difficult to show their emotions. They don’t know how to communicate romantically without lifting some lyrics off Barry White, Mario, or Usher, if at all. And the bottom line is this: men simply don’t know what women want. I suspect, too, that on occasions, “janded babes” are at a loss as to exactly what they want from a man – this is in stark contrast to what they want in a man.

Conversely we need to embrace the concept that relational problems emanate from a source. If the head is rotten, the body decays so goes the old saying. So let’s start from the foundation. A man has to be a leader and exhibit the qualities of someone who is revered – not just adorn the ceremonial title of a “leader”. A man has to have an executable vision for himself as well as his family. He has to know where he is going and how to get there.

Perhaps all the afore-mentioned epitomises some of the angst “janded babes” feel towards Naija men. They don’t want a man who is going to be an excess luggage – a liability, or a vagabond, coach potato, lazy drinking, wife beating, secretive, olodu “419” of a guy. They want a man who should lead rather than being led. It has to be said though that where women are missing the point is trying to play the role of a man in a relationship. This is not possible, and no real man will stand for that, unless he has “Mugun” written on his forehead or is the “hold my cloth for me” type.

It won’t be far fetched to say that some of them have some of the traits of a man. They are dominant, pushy, bossy – add any apt adjective of the male persona to describe them, and you won’t go amiss. This type of woman will not take any rubbish from any man. If there is one big issue men cannot relate with women, it is about lack of RESPECT towards their men.

Submissiveness, if one has to be brutally frank, is one major area that some women still struggle with. But women should realise that submissiveness to your man should not reach the point where you can’t walk, talk or go out of the house. This bears all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.

However, it has to be recognised that biblically, men have been spiritually ordained to be the head of the house and women to be our helpmates. In the main, if men can’t be allowed to be the “King of their domain”, there will be cracks in the relationship. To obtain that respect though, a man does not have to beat his chest to proclaim he is the man of the house for people to know. That respect has to be earned. And one of the salient aspects of a good leader is one who leads with purpose. To this end, a follower will only respect a leader if they believe in his vision. So, it takes two to salsa.

Further still, for men to relate with women, don’t try and understand them. This is because you won’t no matter how hard you try. This equally applies to women. For starters, women have a thousand and one mood swings, men have one. The best both genders can do is to bring out the best each other rather than dwell on the negatives or by trying to change your partner.

Instead of showing apathy, intolerance, stubbornness and an unwillingness to relate with them, we should treat them as “children” (not meant in a derogatory way) and show some patience. It is admittedly difficult, giving the hostile and confrontational outburst that will inevitably happen. But it isn’t, in my opinion, improbable.

Yes, they will change their minds a hundred times. Yes, they will get angry if we forget (men have always been accused of being forgetful) important events. Yes, they will get angrier when they talk and we ignore them. Yes, they will continue to nag incessantly about men pressing the toothpaste in the middle and forgetting (see - that word recurs again) to put the toilet seat down. Yes, they will annoy us by continuously interrupting us when we watch sports on the box.

Yes, they will sometimes “fake” it or complain about having a headache (but whose fault is that really? Go figure). Yes, they’d probably insult our manhood by chuckling if we hit the “homerun” in one minute. Yes, they will always drive us up the wall by waking us up in the middle of the night and uttering these five dreaded words; “Honey, we need to
talk”. But in the main, love them are loathe them, women are still to be treasured.

Women too need to stop fronting. There is no Denzel Washington look alike lurking around. If you are fortunate enough and he comes calling, he may not be rich or may not treat you right. Love is not enough. You must be willing to compromise your principles, without changing your personality.

In passing, both genders need to realise that there is no perfect relationship. Realistically the only perfect couple is one in what the wife is blind (she won’t be able to see her husband’s faults and nag incessantly about it); and the husband is deaf (he won’t be able to listen to her nagging).

For those of you still looking for a partner, keeping searching and keep waiting for the right man, babe. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. Just make sure it’s not a train coming at you.

Reliving my yankee experience (written in 2001)

This piece was written after my second visit to the states. Althought the first visit was memorable, the second one was crazier, more fun and comepletely blew me. My second visit was was rather brief, but there was a lot to reminisce about. One thing that has really fascinated me about yanky was the unbridled "hype" surrounding its entity. Undoubtedly, it is an entity. And as most people who have visited yanky would attest to, the hype" is real.

Even since America gained independence from Britain in 1776, the country has been appropriately dubbed the land of the free; God's own country; where dreams come true, etc Each time I had the profound pleasure of visiting yanky, it's as if I was completely "hijacked" into the future. Everything seemed surreal, lavish and spontaneous. In fact the unpredictability of the place knows no bounds. Just imagine, I saw someone driving his car with one leg out of the car window. Car-azy or what? I heard another story of a guy always mowing his lawn at 3am; people shouting and talking whilst watching a movie at the cinema; street parties being held in the summer; and I saw men who plait their hair (I guess another fashion craze - "Asakasa" (improper conduct) and who wear their pants way below their navel, etc

Observably, people in yanky can be so "LOUD". Often times, they adopt an uncompromising attitude that enables them to say exactly what's on their minds, devoid of embarrassment, shyness or intimidation. I've heard stories that anyone being stared at for too long in buses or trains, will inevitably incur the wrath of that person, who will spit out their venom along the lines of "Whatcha y'all looking at?" If that person has the audacity to answer back in a negative manner, the person being stared at simply says, "Yeah! Yeah! Wha'rever" - whilst shaking their heads sideways, hissing nonchalantly and gesticulating in a dismissive way.

Americans, it seems almost conclusively, have a penchant for suing other people big time. For instance, when people cross the road and there is a car coming, their casual and pedestrian leisurely walk really irks me. Ha! I've been told they do it on purpose sha, because if they get hit, na lawsuit wahala be that resulting in a big payout. It reminds me of Naija where people do exactly the same thing. The only difference is that they are careful to do this only when a posh car, like a Benz is coming - hence the popular saying, "gbami ki ndi olowo (hit me and I'll become rich).

And there is the car chase in yanky as well. If the cops chase you for a minor traffic offence and you enter another county they have no jurisdiction over, they simply turn back. Mmmm......try that one in jand. If you like, commit the offence in London and do speed racer go "kutuwenji", the British police will be on your heels. Well, I guess after all these years, I am immersed myself with the conservative lifestyle of the British.

Nothing, and absolutely nothing, prepared me for the shock, the excitement and the uncertainty surrounding the lifestyle in yanky. I thought I had seen it all after being subjected to an endless dose of Springer shows, but more was to come. Londoners on the forum, have you noticed how everything happens first in America. The films, music, the talk shows, the sitcoms, fashion and slang's, all seem to take second place here in England. Even Nigeria beats England to it. It goes without saying that America seems to dictate the pace of events globally.

And oh....how I love the time difference of six hours (normal GMT) in most states in America, and nine in California. So for instance, if the cock crows "Kukurukuuuu!!!" to signal the dawn of a new day in England, you guys in yanky are still in bed. Damn. Life is unfair sha.

Anyway, as soon as we touched down at JFK airport after flying Virgin Atlantic from London Heathrow ( I tell you, folks, I'll always fly VIRGIN anyday. There was so much legroom, it was unreal. And here was me thinking it was going to be very tight), we were greeted with a distinct, but various blend of the American accent, albeit, it was unmistakably that of New Yorkers. It actually deserves a little citation here. The city that never sleeps......it was so good it had to be named twice.

How could I possibly feign ignorance of the beautiful American cities/states whose names not only sound exotic, but natty as well. I mean names like Alabama, Chicago, Atlanta, Ohio, Michigan, Las Vegas, LA, DC, Jersey, Philly, Cinci"natty", Oklahoma, Missouri, Colorado, Tennessee, Oregun, etc. Admittedly, if anyone visits America and stays in only one state, it's as if they didn't go to America. There's something so attractive about others states that just make you want to venture there. Even other countries have that attractiveness about them. Let me pick Italy.

For exkandle, you have Milan, Sicily, Rome, Tuscany, Naples, Brescia and Florence. Contrast that to our dear old England and you'll find London serves as the only appealing name on most people's lips.

I hardly find any Naija showing enough enthusiasm about visiting Leeds, Newcastle, Southampton, or say, Coventry. It just doesn't have the same ring as the ones in the states. If there's one thing I fell in love with, it's the American accent, especially that of Californians. Oh...., the drawl can send me into a self-induced trance anyday. It is much unlike the British accent that seems as if one is talking with a hot yam stuffed in one's mouth. Speaking about accents, I cannot fathom why some Naijas (in America) unashamedly try to speak like Americans.

True, for any foreigner wishing an American (the "shons of the shoil") to fully understand their grasp of certain pronunciations, they need to inject a semblance of voice and pitch intonation similar to the way Americans pronounce theirs. If they get away with it successfully, fine. It's the one's that don't who, invariably, invite a little disguised chuckle from me. Why on earth must you pronounce quarter as quara; fifty as fiti; computer as compura, party as pari, etc, especially someone with a thick Ijesha, Ibadan, Akwa Ibom or Igbo accent?

One Naija guy who was trying effortlessly to impress me with his academic background blurted out by saying he was studying Inranational Makering. Wouldn't it have been nice to find an old fashioned naija proudly proclaiming he/she was studying "Melesin" (medicine)? This same old-fashioned naija would almost certainly have pronounced Bill Clinton's State exactly the way it was spelt, instead of Ar..kin....saw.

Perhaps, this same group of Naijas, new to the initial intricacies of the Internet, would phone up his pal one day and say "Una bros, Kedu. Oginni!, I bin email you yesterday, but na ya answering machine pick am up? Eniwe, how body?"

Okay, that aside. What is inherently wrong in breaking away from the conventional norm of doing things? Admittedly, some people who do will be ridiculed. So what! Speaking about norms, aren't the yanks so good at creating theirs. Oh.....they believe they know it all. Yet some of them unwittingly bask in their ignorance by showing utter disdain for other cultures, when in reality, they haven't even stepped out of the states before.

One white guy I met in Long Island, mildly amused I was from England, asked me how often we hold elections to elect the Queen of England. Everything is so different about the States, "Innit" (forgive me for employing the use of an English cockney phrase that simply means; "Isn't"). They write their dates backwards (yeepa!). Funny though, there is nothing progressively backward about America.

Having said this, how ironic for their president to have a last name called Bush - this coming from a civilised country. Going back to the "differences", Petrol is called Gas; Dustbin is called Garbage; "Baluwe" and "Shalanga" (Toilet and Bath) is called Restroom; Cheque is spelt as Check; Programme is spelt Program; Semi is pronounced as Sema-i. The letter "Z" replaces the letter "S" in organisation; similarly the letter "U" is omitted from Colour; Pampers is called Diapers, Trouser is called Pants, etc; If it were possible, the yanks would completely change the grammatical syntax of the English language as well.

To be continued.